By spending lots of time with myself in the past year, I realized that I’m bothered by people in my life whenever I see my own flaws projected onto them. The characteristics that annoy and anger me most are things I hate about myself. If someone has a bothersome trait that I know I don’t have, I wouldn’t be so upset about it. I would be more tolerant and simply wish them the best. But because I struggle with certain parts of myself, those same behaviors and mindsets in other people bother me immensely. Instead of criticizing people I can’t stand, I learned to view them as mirrors and to identify the parts of myself that demand change. Their vanity, pride, and rejection of vulnerability were things I could not accept in myself.
I realized that my vanity comes from the hope to be cherished. My family had a strong desire for a son, and when I was born, my dad received the news hundreds of miles away with a mixture of disappointment and disbelief. So since my entrance into the world, proving my worth became the norm. The women in my family also put great emphasis on physical appearances, making me aware of the need to appear desirable from a young age. Also, social media and popular culture furthered my focus on how I am perceived. Even as I grew up and amounted other values, the need to be wanted, to have worth, has been ingrained in me subconsciously. This understanding opened my eyes to why certain people hold onto their vanity and pride like a prized possession. Whether it’s watching someone boast about their accomplishments or meticulously construct a flawless online persona, I’m no longer bothered. Like me, they may feel the need to preserve a positive image of themselves in order to prove their worth to themselves.
I understand that when I pick on others, even if it is just in my head, I am only reflecting my own insecurities. If I think someone is not as smart as I am, I’m actually fearful of my ignorance and trying to convince myself that I am not stupid. If I consider myself more beautiful, I am worried about being seen as unattractive. When I consider a person irresponsible, there’s probably some of my own responsibilities I should be attending to. Regardless of the reasons behind why I consider someone inferior, I am merely scared that those same reasons are making me a lesser person. So before I judge someone, I try my very best to address what’s within myself first.
Lux Brumalis 