Ages 13-18: Five Important Things I’ve Learned

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A few hours before the arrival of 2021, I sit in my old room at my parents’ home in Washington. Exactly a year ago, I was at a party, excitedly awaiting the roaring 20s of our millennium. Instead, we welcomed in a year of immense loss. Rather than attending a raving celebration, I find myself perfectly content on my own this New Year’s Eve. It’s an opportunity for me to reflect before I turn 19 next month. I’m happy to spend my time tonight recalling the most important lessons I’ve learned in the past five years of my life.

1. You need to spend time alone. Truly alone. 

Alone… after all these months of quarantine and isolation? Yes, but what we need is genuine alone time, not just physical solitude. When was the last time you spent an entire day without external influences? Take a day off and spend it with yourself, without access to your phone or anyone else. Get to know yourself better. Ask yourself what you need most from others. In what ways are you reliant? I found the beginning of quarantine to be very difficult because I relied on social connections to distract me from negative emotions. I needed both distractions and validations, and when I could no longer get them in person, my phone and laptop sufficed. But when I started spending time alone, and I don’t mean just an hour or two, I became a friend to myself and found ways to navigate all emotions on my own.  Instead of dreading being on my own, I really enjoy spending time alone now.  I found my passion for painting, writing, and dance again during quarantine. I also had to face my own flaws, recognize them, have compassion for them, and learn to refine them. Now, I reserve at least half a day just for myself each week. 

2. Without stress, you won’t have a sense of purpose. 

No doubt, stress is one of the worst feelings a person must deal with. But without any responsibilities or sense of urgency, I believe we will suffer rather than enjoy a life of relaxation. While breaks are more than necessary, prolonged periods of living with no stress at all can be dangerous. Think about it. Stress stems from the wish to perform well on a matter that you care about. That in itself is reassuring. It affirms your passion and the belief that you are capable of performing well. School often feels stressful because I value my education and I care about the opportunities it can award me in the future. Moreover, I’ve always had the confidence to do well in my studies so I put pressure on myself to do the best I can at all times. All that stress comes from within. I remind myself during difficult moments that stress carries purpose. I chose the path that carries stress, and by doing so, I am working towards my definition of a promising future.

3. Sometimes, lies are actually momentary truths. 

A hard part about growing up is no longer finding safety in absolutes. There’s not a clear black or white. Life’s not filled with good guys and bad guys. There isn’t always a right decision to make. As we get older, we have to struggle with this complexity. One of the hardest concepts to accept is that not everything can be separated into truths and lies. From childhood, many of us are taught to tell the truth, but no one seems to teach us that the truth changes with perspective and time. We also have the ability to shape any information to seem like a lie or to carry the resemblance of the truth. When I was a few years younger, I couldn’t wrap my head around how people could lie about loving someone. When a few teenage romances didn’t work out (surprising, I know), I used to condemn these guys for “lying” to me. They “lied” about staying forever and remaining loyal to me. Sure, maybe they were the villains I painted them out to be and maliciously intended to deceive me. But much more likely, they were just being human and merely expressed how they felt in that moment. Especially during adolescence, our emotions often walk us on a leash, dictating our behaviors to a great degree. People can genuinely mean what they said during a specific moment, but life comprises of many moments and the only thing common to all of them is change. It’s hard not having someone to blame for lying to you. When I felt betrayed and hurt, it’s easier to call someone a liar and make them out to be a monster, but that resentment is only a temporary band-aid used to cover my wounds. Let go. Only hold onto the most beautiful moments and realize that in those moments, words of love and promises are not always meant to deceive you. 

4. It is what it is. 

I’m all for doing your best to achieve your goals, but let’s be honest, life will throw some obstacles in your way. I used to think that if I fight tooth and nail, I should be able to do anything. That mindset is dangerous because when I fail at something, it means that the only possible explanation is my inadequacy. In many instances, I felt like my very best was still not good enough. After one too many self-beatings and disappointments, I realized that it really is what it is. I can’t fight every battle and usually, life will present and take away opportunities at the right time. There is absolutely no point in dwelling on a failure or misfortune. Change doesn’t come from self-blame. I’m not saying to disregard everything and not care about the outcome of events but find a balance instead. Realize the need to let go when things don’t go your way. You’ll actually have the energy to achieve more of your goals this way. 

5. We don’t have soulmates. (It’s a good thing)

I know I’m still a kid and not at all qualified to give words of wisdom regarding relationships. But with the experiences I do have, I am certain that we do not have soulmates. The Disney-curated image of romantic love is quite unrealistic in our world. There’s not a perfect person out there, designed exclusively to fit you like a puzzle piece. We all have to make our relationships work. It is not an effortless process and love can only live through communication and dedication. When choosing to be with someone, I learn how to love them in a way they can appreciate and reciprocate. I have also come to prioritize communication. Too often, I’ve let my own pride get in the way of me expressing my honest feelings, especially when I am unhappy. And needless to say, the willingness to dedicate effort and loyalty to a relationship is necessary for its survival. Once a relationship feels like a burden, you need to make major changes or it will end. Maintaining love takes work, but it would be work you are willing to put in. Regardless of how suitable someone seems for me, I know that without my own efforts, such a relationship won’t last. This also means that you did not and cannot lose the love of your life. There is not one single person who can claim that title. You are not meant to be with any particular individual, but instead, you can cultivate a relationship with anyone you deem worthwhile. If it does not work out, that’s okay because you understand the work that goes into loving someone and you can refocus that energy on another person who can make you happy.